I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
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Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I only look at Wordle for the articles
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice