“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
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older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.