I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
You Might Also Like
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse