4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
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I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it