“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
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Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
#winning
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.