Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
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I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
do u think theres a butter planet?
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.