I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
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*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Just ordered me some pizza!
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.