Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
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My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.