When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
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I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Yes my dude
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.