Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
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I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
I don’t think my car can fly
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
This might be the funniest tweet ever
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!