Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
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If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
satan: not today, microsoft teams