Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
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“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.