Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
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Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
I’m Sold!
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”