Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
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My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
checking out some reviews of my local library
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Me :
All Day At Night
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.