[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
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You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.