[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
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[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*