[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
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Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.