A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
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Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
#Caturday
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money