Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
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It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds