I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
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Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
hmmm
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
any last words?
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???