Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
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me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Super Hand Dog Face
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”