boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
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My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Don’t tell me what to do
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled