Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
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BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.