Unexpected Judgment
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Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
#Caturday
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.