Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
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HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving