I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
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I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”