A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
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So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I can also cook 😂
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.