Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
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Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.