Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
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Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.