Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
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I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”