At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
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m’lady
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
incredible text to wake up to
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Beauty and the Beast
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music