[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
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I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
When ur friends with white people
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?