Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
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*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!