Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
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[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Digital security in Ancient Troy
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back