this isn’t threatening at all
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Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.