Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
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I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth