Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
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Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Made something I’m not proud of
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Birds & Planes.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever