ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
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I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
mentally somewhere in italy