Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
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umm…
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage