[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
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ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started