No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
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Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
SCARY COSTUME
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
dutch so unserious
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.