Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
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What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.