In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
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So, can we agree on 4 or
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
There are no pants in heaven.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.