Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
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Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.