I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
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put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Science memes
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me