If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
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Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there