Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
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I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
me and who
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one