People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
You Might Also Like
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
me after eating Cheetos
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Noah was an idiot.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.