all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
You Might Also Like
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.