BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
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I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.